America's Next Top Model - Episode 1 - And Then There Was Tyra.

Thank god ANTM is back on the air – it’s always such a painfully depressing time in my life when it’s between seasons. Okay, not really, but i am pumped it’s back on.

We start out the episode the way the premiere always starts – girls, girls, girls. Luckily they’ve already been thinned down to 32 broads, so they don’t have to go through the huge elimination process which is a surprisingly great way to start out the cycle. And there’s not even all that much screaming!

And then there was Tyra. Tyra shows up (kay, now cue the screaming) and tells the girls that she only has room on her Feircebook page for 12 girls – there are just sooooo many chicks that want to be on her friends list. I must admit that I like this concept – it isn’t nearly as bad as Cycle 12 when Tyra appeared as a half British/half Spanish accented greek goddess of some sort, or last season when she morphed out of a silver transporter and pretended to be a robot. So far so good Tyra! The two Jays appear, looking as dapper as ever (will Mr. Jay’s hair EVER have pigment again, or will it be silver for all eternity?) and make Alasia take off her weave, which they spot a friggin mile away. Of course Ms Jay wears it for the remainder of the segment.

The girls get to work – they have to have their photo taken for their Feircebook. It’s then that they reveal that Angelea was actually on the show during Cycle 12 – I’m pretty sure she was the chick that slept on the bus station floor to get to the competition, and then didn’t end up making the cut to the top 12. Ouch. After the profile pics are done, the girls have to Netwalk. We meet Alexandra, the ‘plus sized’ model, who is skinnier than most people i know. We all secretly know she wont win because a plus sized model has already won once before. Tyra has moved on. Now it’s time to interview….

We rifle through the broads and it looks like this could be an interesting season – there’s the Classy Ghetto Chick, the Trust Fund Baby, the Overachieving Oreo, three girls under 19 who are married and have a baby (they’re soooo already out of the competition), the Unibrow, the Girl with the Deadbeat Felon Dad, the Weave, the Pink Penis (white guys cocks make her think of raw meat. Cough.), the Broadway Talker, the Mortician, the Drag Queen, the Glamazon from Planet Glamazonia, the Bald Cult Kid, Piercy Galore, and not one but two plus sized models.

Meanwhile, back in the holding room…

Alliances are drawn and enemies are made, as per usual. But as we all know, only 12 of them can move on. Will their friendship with Tyra be accepted or denied? Who is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model??? After one final elimination exercise, the final 12 are announced:

- Nadua

- Jessica

- Simone

- Raina

- Tatiana

- Alexandra

- Christa

- Brenda

- Alasia

- Angalea

- Gabreille

- Anslee

AND ITS NOT EVEN OVER YET! Still half an hour to go peeps.

Tyra makes a dramatic entrance from the top of a flight of stairs at Madame Toussad’s wax museum. No she does not fall and break her neck. ..even worse – Perez Hilton is there, and is talkin shit about her. Well she just aint havin it. This odd appearance is somehow a segway to Tyra bringing out “Ren”, the ringer model who was apparently handpicked by Tyra herself while the other chicks were auditioning. They’re throwing her into the competition because they couldn’t find any other chicks in the original bunch that were ANTM-worthy.

Tyra is cutting right to the chase this time around and gets the girls into the makeover chairs asap. No use looking at them for 3 episodes in their ragged weaves and growing out roots – make em perrrrtty. We get to see Ren’s armpits which she hasn’t shaved in years, there are a few tears, and not really any surprises. Not sure why they felt the need to bleach Naduah’s eyebrows, because now she looks like an alien. Guess there’s not much else you can do to make a bald chick look different.

We get all geared up for a photo shoot, when…the episode ends. Talk about anti climactic! Guess we have to wait until next week – six whole sleeps until we see who gets booted off next.

Until then…stay fierce. Hm, don’t know if i like that. Going to have to rethink that one for next time.