America's Next Top Model - Episode 5 - Fake This.

Like clockwork, we start out the episode with Anslee crying about the baby she left back home. When are these girls going to realize that if you have a kid, DON’T TALK ABOUT THEM on camera! Tyra simply will not stand for it! You have to make us forget that you even have a baby, like Jessica is doing. She hasn’t mentioned her kid once, and she’s doing quite well for herself. She does however let us in on the fact that she loves drinking pickle juice, while Tatiana expresses her undying love for bodily fluids. Pardon?

CHALLENGE
Cue Ms Jay looking snazzy in a black button up trench coat. He tells the girls that they need to learn how to break the ice with the opposite sex because – besides the obvious advantages to being able to talk to boys – they are eventually going to need to pose with male models and they should be comfortable with them. How will he help them do this? By throwing them onto a tram with a very handsome, but shy, surprise male model. Turns out the surprise model is Nigel (insert cougar sound here), and the girls are all ecstatic. Angelea goes first, and breaks the ice by showing Nigel her version of the Hammer dance. He is less than impressed. Anslee goes next and is pretty chill until she mentions her damn kid again and Nigel loses interest (frankly, so do i). Jessica gets on the tram and turns into some sort of sex crazed maniac, winking and caressing Nigel’s head before taking a bunch of her (and his) clothes off. Nigel says he’s never seen anything like it, but I seriously doubt that. He takes photos of models for a living, you’re telling me they don’t throw themselves at him? Please. This whole ice breaking fiasco is a segway to the girls’ challenge: posing with a gayer-than-a-three-dollar-bill comedian in a third story window while Nigel pervs from below, taking pics. The only really memorable shot is of Angelea, who flashes her entire crotch at the camera below. The best pic goes to Jessica (point!) and she wins a 6 thousand dollar pair of diamond earrings. Alasia wins a 5 thousand dollar diamond ring for winning last week’s photo of the week – guess this is a new thing they’re doing. Lucky!

PHOTOSHOOT
The girls end up on Canal Street with Mr and Ms Jay who are attempting to buy some fake purses. Mr Jay isn’t impressed with the fakes, but Ms Jay is all about it, saying Tyra’s bday is coming up. The purse dealer turns out to be an undercover cop who busts the boys, and Mr Jay gives a mini lecture about how buying fake purses is reaaaaaaaaaaaally bad because it takes money away from the designers. He’s right you know - better that the $800 comes out of my pocket than Ms Coco Chanel’s, who is probably really struggling to make ends meet these days. Let’s get to the shoot. The theme of the shoot this week is “being fake”. Fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake fur. Basically the girls get Lady Gagafied for the shoot, and it’s pretty awesome. Quote of the show is when Mr Jay tells Anslee she’s “constipated with the fashion.” Not even going to attempt to understand what the hell that means, but it made my night.

JUDGING (Tyra appears in one-piece pantsuit #3 – this time in a lovely coral silk)

The first name that Tyra calls...is........Jessica (another point!). Her mid-air pose and magnetic stare makes this photo the judges favourite. Next up...Angelea. Andre says if he saw her at a party, he’d want to meet her. Nuff said. Krista...Alasia...Anslee...Brenda...Raina. That brings us to the bottom two: Alexandra and Tatiana. Alexandra has beautiful curves (read: fat) but doesn’t know how to use them. Tatiana has weak photos every week, and they think her good shot from last week was pure luck. Both of their pictures were awful this week, especially Tatiana who looked like one of those terrifying clowns you see in your worst nightmares. So who stays?

Alexandra.
Tyra decides to give Tubbs another chance and sends Fangs home. Bye bye Tatiana!



That’s it! Stay tuned next week for another installment of Stizzef’s Next Top Model.