America's Next Top Model - Episode 10 Part 1 - Two Broads Have Gotta Go.

Well well well. Where do I even begin. I’m going to split this two hour season finale into two separate blogs, otherwise it will be much too long and no one will bother reading it. So…the first hour. Let’s begin.

FINAL FOUR, BITCHES! It’s down to Raina, Angelea, Krista and Alexandra. The girls are told to pack an overnight bag, and they’re whisked into the air by Mr & Ms Jay. Their challenge is to walk down the aisle (mid-flight…can you imagine?) and show some personality. Krista is fun and bubbly, Alexandra mimics a flight attendant, Raina looks like a linebacker and Angelea bobble heads/giggles all over the place and only has one heel on - she apparently travels very lightly. Teacher’s pet Krista wins the challenge, and gets $2000 worth of sparkly jewels. Since she was the first photo called last week, she gets an extra $1000 worth, and has about 25 little blue boxes piled high with trinkets. Bitch opens every single box in front of the other girls and doesn't offer to give them anything. Someone doesn’t have any manners!

PHOTOSHOOT
The theme of the photo shoot is “ugly pretty”, not to be confused with “pretty ugly”. The girls get Sweeny Todd-ified with renaissance outfits, crazy hair and black lips and get to work. They find out that not one, but TWO of them will be going home. The pressure is on.

Krista’s natural eyebrows have been replaced with giant, circular clown ones which are drawn on her forehead. Her outfit is all kinds of ugly, but she of course rocks the shoot. The end result is so perfect that Andre almost starts crying. There is no doubt in my mind that Krista is winning this competition.

Raina looks like Mozart. Her photo ends up being quite strong, but is it strong enough? She’s all squinty.

Angelea looks like she has no eyelashes, and she doesn’t have any oomph. Also, wtf is with the photo being all blurry? You mean to tell me that out of that entire shoot, the absolute best picture looks like it was taken by Mohammed Ali? Totally calling BS on that.

Alexandra looks half decent – for a fatty. Her face is gripping, she’s staring intently, and playing with her ring, which for some reason Tyra quite likes.

JUDGING
The first name that Tyra calls……………..is……….
Krista. As expected, Krista is moving on to the final.

And now we have the bottom three. The next name Tyra calls will be in the final two, and the other girls will be sent home. Raina has a beautiful, romantic face but still isn’t coming out of her comfort zone. Angelea has the worlds biggest zit on her chin and didn’t cover it up, which is clearly grounds for dismissal. Alexandra has a beautiful plus sized body, but, its still plus sized.

The name Tyra calls is…

Raina.

Wow – that actually really surprised me. I would have guessed Angelea in the top 2, but it was not to be. Tyra keeps The Brows in the game and sends the other two packing. Bye bye ladies!




That concludes Part 1 – Part 2 coming up!

ANTM - Episode 10 Part 2 - The Very End.

So it’s down to Krista and Raina. Not surprised at all by Krista, but Raina? Wow, have to say I’m shocked. She seems much too sporty and handsome to be in the final two. I guess the mixture of Denise Richards/Rebecca Romjin/Brooke Shields really paid off for her!

So what do the girls do now that they’re alone? Head to a huge pimp shack and sip champagne, of course! But, alas, as soon as they start to enjoy themselves, Ms. Jay appears and gives them their assignment: learn the lines to the upcoming Cover Girl commercial shoot. The girls put down their drinks and immediately start rehearsing. Ladies, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, its that you can always drink champagne, even while memorizing important lines. It’s called multitasking.

COVER GIRL/SEVENTEEN SHOOT
The girls get all primped up for the commercial – Raina thinks that her bubbly personality will outdo Krista’s more serious approach, and Krista thinks Raina is annoying as shit. We get a blast from the past when Nicole (aka Bloody Eyeball) makes an appearance and tries to give the girls a pep talk. Problem is, Nicole hasn’t gotten any better at talking since last Cycle. She sounds super rehearsed and phony, and I’m pretty sure Mr. Jay almost slaps her. At the shoot, Krista keeps messing up her lines. Finally Jay brings out cue cards, and she delivers. Raina sounds good but she cant blend the modeling and acting thing together – she ends up squinting in concentration and losing her best feature, those wolf eyes. On to the Cover Girl photo shoot, and everybody’s favorite hot, straight, male judge – Nigel – is running the show. The girls get dressed in typical gaudy Seventeen Magazine apparel, and take cheesy, smiley pics.




Back at the house, Tyra meets them and tells them she’s going to take family portraits. Bring out the families! As a serious time filler (they’ve really gotta make this 2 hour episode count), we see photos of each girl growing up, and hear their families talk about how wonderful they are. Tyra takes some photos and ****insert shameless www.tyrabanks.com plug here because you have to check out her site to see them***

FINAL CHALLENGE
This is it! The girls now have to “stomp to the death” in an Anna Sui runway show, although this time they are supposed to be happy and having fun instead of wanting the other person to die. Oooo – and Nicole, Alasia, Alexandra, Angelea and Jessica will be happily walking with them. The stylists give Krista a weird John Lennon mini bob hairdo and send her on her way. Krista’s walk is awesome, and she acts fun and flirty. Raina looks pretty but walks like a Clydesdale. The whole walk off is kind of weak – it doesn’t seem like a final challenge to me.

JUDGING – Tyra appears in my favorite one piece of the season:



The girls appear in their final outfits, and good lord Raina, wtf is that? It’s like “Dynasty” meets “Dead Animal”. It even has a tail.



The judges like Krista’s walk and say she looks like she’s walking on air. Tyra tells her that the cheese factor was a little high and that if she pulled that back, it would have been perfect. Raina was cute but clomped down the runway. Tyra liked the clomp and the wind in her hair. Both girls had stunning Cover Girl shots – Raina’s massive eyebrows seem to shrink in photos. The commercial turned out okay, but…I was definitely not running out to buy any Lash Blast mascara. It was too stiff and phony. Over all, Krista is a better model and looks very high fashion. She’s composed and has natural talent. Raina has an exotic look and has the perfect face for photos. Body…not so much. So…it’s time to decide.

America’s Next Top Model is……

Krista. It was nice that they gave Raina a shot at being on top, but this was clearly planned out from about half way through the show.






There you have it folks – another season comes to an end. Thanks for reading – see you in the fall!

America's Next Top Model - Episode 9 - Lord of the Rangs.

Peeps, after a week long hiatus, I am back and blog-ready. Let’s get down to business.

As we all know, the girls are now in lovely New Zealand. Their house is massive and overlooks what seems to be the entire country. Jessica continues to prove that her IQ is way below the national average (last week she stated that she thought New Zealand was right above Canada) when she decides to warm some taco shells by placing them on the toaster. Now, I’m no chef, but I’m fairly certain that there is a better way to do this – microwave or oven comes to mind. But no, she places them on top of the toaster, and plunges down the handle. A few seconds later, the taco shells burst into flame, and Jessica frantically tries to put it out by screaming. When the screaming doesn’t work, she throws a towel on the fire, which of course lights up as well. Eventually the fire goes out, and the girls tell Jessica that they feel bad for her kid because she totally can’t put out a fire. Or warm taco shells.

CHALLENGE
The girls are sent to Hobbittown, where Lord of the Rings was filmed. Angelea has never heard of LOTR so she is completely unimpressed. The rest of the girls act like they’re excited, but I’m guessing Sci-Fi flicks aren’t exactly their forte either. Their challenge is to pose in a Hobbit doorway, which as you can imagine, is quite small. It’s obvious that Krista is going to win the challenge, and when she does (point!), she over-acts being surprised – probably just to rub it in. Angelea seethes. Back at the ginormous house, Krista and Alexandra make fun of Raina for being fake (read: not a raging bitch) because she commented on how beautiful New Zealand was. In the other girls defense, Raina did utter the words “oh my lanta!” which is absolutely not okay in any situation.

PHOTOSHOOT
Guess who’s taking pictures this week? Tyra! They’re in a vineyard, and the premise of the shoot is that they need to fight for light, just like the grapes fight for the sun. Sounds logical. But wait…there’s more! Tyra’s minions will be holding up patterns so the sun/shadows falls onto the models faces, making them look like kaleidoscopes. Oh, and they’ll have mud in their hair. I’m sorry, but LOL. Leave it to Tyra to just add random aspects to everything she does.

Alexandra looks pretty good, but not sure why they just put her hair in a messy muddy bun. Also, she always make the same face - head tilted up, mouth slightly open. NEXT.

Jessica is up, and she knows she needs to nail it or she’s gonna be gone. Did I mention she’s been talking about her damn kid again? UGH. She struggles at first, but eventually finds her “ugly pretty face”.

Raina is next, wearing nothing but panties and a smile. She looks awkward and can’t really get into the poses.

Angelea is mega boring and posey, and finally Tyra tells her to just pretend like she’s dead. This seems to work and Tyra says she got a good shot.

Krista comes out and, as we all expected, nails it.

JUDGING
Alexandra actually comes out with a great shot, and the vineyard in the background looks beautiful. Andre says she looks like shes from a foreign place like Uzbekistan. This pleases him for some reason.

Raina’s photo actually frightens me – she looks dark and disturbed, and it looks like it was taken in a basement instead of a bright and sunny vineyard.

Angelea’s pic bores me to death, but Tyra and Nigel both love the soft simplicity of it. And by soft simplicity, they must mean “playing dead because Tyra couldn’t get you to do anything she wanted”.

Jessica’s pic is big time ‘meh’. Andre says the shadows are wearing her instead of the other way around. I agree.

Krista is last, and of course the judges are in luff with her pic. Andre says she could be in Zu magazine, which is obviously French and fabulous. My beef with these photos is that none of them look like they’re outside in a vineyard, except for Alexandras. They’re all dark or black and white, which to me defeats having the shoot in a beautiful lush green location.

The first name that Tyra calls…is…

Krista. Duh.

Alexandra. Angelea.

In the bottom two, we’ve got Jessica and Raina. Raina is strong from week to week, but she only seems to be good at romantic, not edgy. Jessica is too sweet, pretty, and commercial, which they’ve been saying for the last 3 weeks. The name Tyra calls…is…

Raina.

She keeps the brows and sends the not-so-smart baby mama home. Goodbye Jessica, you will no longer be getting me points in the Top Model pool.



Peeps – next week is the finale! Make sure to tune in to the two hour special of America’s Next Top Model. Thanks for reading!

America's Next Top Model - Episode 8 - The One I Didn't Watch.

Alright, i admit it - i missed this episode because i went to a party instead of sitting at home heckling models. And yes, i was too busy all week to youtube it. So here's what I heard, in a nutshell:

CHALLENGE
Angelea won the go-see challenge because practically everyone else got disqualified for being late. Out of the three that that qualified, she booked the most.

PHOTOSHOOT
The girls posed with farm animals, with Nigel as their photog. Damnit! I heart Nigel! Krista pulled out the best photo yet again. Bottom two were Jessica and Alasia, and thank god for small wonders, Alasia got booted. Pretty happy im not going to have to see/hear THAT anymore.

So there you go. Forgive me. Bye bye Alasia! ps the background of her pic is so stunning. It's a shame she's even in it.

America's Next Top Model - Episode 7 - Bring On the Hair.

First of all, my apologies for missing last week’s episode in the blog. I was on vacation without access to a computer (gasp!), and by the time I got home, I thought ‘meh, what’s the point’.

Another Wednesday, another model gone.

We start the episode out with the girls meeting Whitney Port from The City (because she had outgrown The Hills) and an ex model/designer who’s wearing gigantic fake eyelashes. My bf actually let out a small screech and recoiled when he saw her. The girls get into some of Whitney’s designs and are told to let the personality of the outfit shine through them. What does that mean exactly? Not too sure, and apparently neither are the girls. Jessica says her outfit makes her feel classy so she puts her nose a little further into the air when she walks.

CHALLENGE
Now that the girls are channeling the energy of their dresses, they get sent to a club where they will be “performing” for a group of drag queens. Of course, they’re nervous as hell because who can outperform a man dressed as a woman in a feather boa singing a mean rendition of “I Will Survive”? Their challenge is to walk the runway and let their personalities show through their walk. Gotta say, pretty weak. The ANTM producers must have been hungover or something – not a lot of effort went into this one. The girls stomp it out – worst stomp definitely goes to Anslee who didn’t even crack a smile. Her personality is apparently BEEEEEOOOoooooo. Best stomp went to Krista, who pounded it out and got a huge round of cheers from the Queens. She ends up winning the challenge (point!), but for the life of me I can’t remember what she won.

Back at the house, the girls are getting ready to leave for their photoshoot. Alasia, as usual, is acting like a 5 year old and refuses to get ready in a timely fashion. The girls all yell at her to hurry up, but she takes her time fluffing up her MASSIVE afro – seriously, she unnecessarily worked that thing for like 45 minutes. Eventually the rest of the girls jump in the elevator and leave her behind. This does not please Alasia. She pushes the elevator button literally 100 times before realizing that taking the stairs would probably be a good idea at this point. She runs down the stairs, complaining the whole way about the girls not telling her they were leaving, and jumps into the waiting limo. Not sure why the girls waited for her, I would have ditched her ass for sure. Best comment of the night: “You’re an idiot”. They didn’t show who said it, but someone did and it was perfect – short, sweet, and completely accurate.

PHOTOSHOOT
In what would have to be top 3 grosses ideas for a photoshoot ever, the girls are put into dresses made entirely out of human hair. Human. Hair. Angelea tells the camera that “it stink. IT STINK”. I think I actually felt my skin crawl at that point. Anyhoo, the girls get put into to teams: Team Weavin’ Steven and Team Something I forget cuz it didn’t rhyme with weavin’. The two hair masters help the girls into their hair apparel and the photos start flying. Anslee and Alexandra both look extremely awkward when they pose, and its clear that they will likely be in the bottom two.

JUDGING
Now that we’re down to only 7 girls, its getting very easy to predict the order the names are called in. But before we get to judging, the ANTM producers once again have a doozy of an idea, and the judges pretend to fall asleep. Then these giant Zs come down from the sky, then some sheep appear…it gets weird. All of this is a segway to announcing where the girls will go for the international portion of the season – they’re going to New Zealand. I guess the Z in New Zealand is what brought on this weird sleep segment – really made no sense and was on weirdness par with the Tyra-bot from a few seasons ago.

The first name Tyra calls is….
Krista (point!) - Krista looks like Grace Jones in her photo, her cheekbones look amazing, and she shows off the hair dress like no other.
Angelea – now, I don't agree with this one, I think she looks like she’s spasming, but the judges love it.
Raina – truly looks stunning in the photo, her white skin is offset by her super dark hair (on her head and on her body)
Jessica – her little jump shot was cute, although her toe point seemed cliché to Andre. Although we all know that if she hadn’t pointed her toe, they would have hated it.
Alasia – her face looks super boring in the pic, but Andre likes the way she’s flipping the dress hair. It does look pretty sweet.

And now it’s down to the bottom two – Alexandra and Anslee. Anslee has a stunning face, but can’t quite get the body right. Tyra thinks she would make a great beauty model. Alexandra takes ‘okay’ pictures, and lucks out sometimes with a good one. Is it enough????? Apparently it is, because Tyra keeps Tubbs in and boots the baby mama. Had to know she wouldn't stay much longer because she kept talking about her damn kid.



That’s it folks! Until next time…………….stay fierce.

America's Next Top Model - Episode 5 - Fake This.

Like clockwork, we start out the episode with Anslee crying about the baby she left back home. When are these girls going to realize that if you have a kid, DON’T TALK ABOUT THEM on camera! Tyra simply will not stand for it! You have to make us forget that you even have a baby, like Jessica is doing. She hasn’t mentioned her kid once, and she’s doing quite well for herself. She does however let us in on the fact that she loves drinking pickle juice, while Tatiana expresses her undying love for bodily fluids. Pardon?

CHALLENGE
Cue Ms Jay looking snazzy in a black button up trench coat. He tells the girls that they need to learn how to break the ice with the opposite sex because – besides the obvious advantages to being able to talk to boys – they are eventually going to need to pose with male models and they should be comfortable with them. How will he help them do this? By throwing them onto a tram with a very handsome, but shy, surprise male model. Turns out the surprise model is Nigel (insert cougar sound here), and the girls are all ecstatic. Angelea goes first, and breaks the ice by showing Nigel her version of the Hammer dance. He is less than impressed. Anslee goes next and is pretty chill until she mentions her damn kid again and Nigel loses interest (frankly, so do i). Jessica gets on the tram and turns into some sort of sex crazed maniac, winking and caressing Nigel’s head before taking a bunch of her (and his) clothes off. Nigel says he’s never seen anything like it, but I seriously doubt that. He takes photos of models for a living, you’re telling me they don’t throw themselves at him? Please. This whole ice breaking fiasco is a segway to the girls’ challenge: posing with a gayer-than-a-three-dollar-bill comedian in a third story window while Nigel pervs from below, taking pics. The only really memorable shot is of Angelea, who flashes her entire crotch at the camera below. The best pic goes to Jessica (point!) and she wins a 6 thousand dollar pair of diamond earrings. Alasia wins a 5 thousand dollar diamond ring for winning last week’s photo of the week – guess this is a new thing they’re doing. Lucky!

PHOTOSHOOT
The girls end up on Canal Street with Mr and Ms Jay who are attempting to buy some fake purses. Mr Jay isn’t impressed with the fakes, but Ms Jay is all about it, saying Tyra’s bday is coming up. The purse dealer turns out to be an undercover cop who busts the boys, and Mr Jay gives a mini lecture about how buying fake purses is reaaaaaaaaaaaally bad because it takes money away from the designers. He’s right you know - better that the $800 comes out of my pocket than Ms Coco Chanel’s, who is probably really struggling to make ends meet these days. Let’s get to the shoot. The theme of the shoot this week is “being fake”. Fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake fur. Basically the girls get Lady Gagafied for the shoot, and it’s pretty awesome. Quote of the show is when Mr Jay tells Anslee she’s “constipated with the fashion.” Not even going to attempt to understand what the hell that means, but it made my night.

JUDGING (Tyra appears in one-piece pantsuit #3 – this time in a lovely coral silk)

The first name that Tyra calls...is........Jessica (another point!). Her mid-air pose and magnetic stare makes this photo the judges favourite. Next up...Angelea. Andre says if he saw her at a party, he’d want to meet her. Nuff said. Krista...Alasia...Anslee...Brenda...Raina. That brings us to the bottom two: Alexandra and Tatiana. Alexandra has beautiful curves (read: fat) but doesn’t know how to use them. Tatiana has weak photos every week, and they think her good shot from last week was pure luck. Both of their pictures were awful this week, especially Tatiana who looked like one of those terrifying clowns you see in your worst nightmares. So who stays?

Alexandra.
Tyra decides to give Tubbs another chance and sends Fangs home. Bye bye Tatiana!



That’s it! Stay tuned next week for another installment of Stizzef’s Next Top Model.

America's Next Top Model - Episode 4 - Vampires Are So Hot Right Now

I gotta say I was quite excited going into this episode – for one thing, it was the deadline for getting our Top Model pool picks in, and I was feeling pretty confident with the chicks I chose: Jessica and Anslee. Second, I knew that it was going to be the Twilight vampire shoot and I was praying that Edward would make an appearance. As the show went on, the excitement faded as my hopes and dreams were smashed into tiny, tiny pieces.

Remember how we left Brenda last week, in the bottom two and looking like a bored accountant? Tyra decided that her look wasn't edgy enough, so she brought in the hairdresser to take another crack at it. The hairdresser busted out the #2 clippers and shaved down the sides of her head. Pretty much thought that Brenda’s eyes were going to pop right out of her head…and in the end, she still looked like Molly Ringwald but with short, spikey hair. So much for the big makeover…

Time for the first challenge: the girls have to shoot a Cover Girl commercial in Times Square without speaking. Body language ladies! They’re all pretty bad, but Tatianna uses some head flips and dances around a bit and wins the challenge (for those that picked her in the pool, point!)

Back at the house, it’s about time for a cat fight. Anslee and Alasia get into it over a frozen peas & corn mix (perfectly logical) and Alasia tells Anslee that she’s a bad mom (even more logical). Anslee loses it, and before you can say “Jerry Springer” they’re both yelling and head bobbing and finger wagging. Gotta say, these lame fights seem contrived and are getting really old. Plus my dream of my chicks doing well is losing momentum as I remember that Anslee has a kid. So does Jessica, the child bride. Tyra doesn’t let moms be models, we all know this from ANTM’s past. What was I thinking?

PHOTOSHOOT
The highlight of the episode has got to be Mr. Jay appearing as a vampire and morphing into a dingy looking warehouse, scaring the girls “half to death”. It was THAT real. He actually looked pretty awesome with his white/blue eyes and fangs – and he even shot a red lazer beam out of his eyes. OMG. The premise of the photoshoot, of course, was that the girls were victims of a hot boy vampire (second dream crushed when I realize its not Edward, just some random male model with fangs) and they had to be immersed in a bathtub full of blood. And they will be blinded by white contacts. They get all done up like hot temptress vamps, and they all look amazing. Most of them really pull through in the shoot, with the exception of Brenda who cries about having to wear the contacts and Simone who looks like she couldn't model her way out of a paper bag. Can you model your way out of a paper bag? I don't know if its even possible. But I’m telling you, if it is, Simone couldn't do it.

JUDGING (Yes Tyra is wearing a one piece spandex pantsuit again. This time in lavender.)

The first name that Tyra calls…is…

Alasia. This surprises me because Tatiana’s picture was by far the best, and though Alasia’s was good, it wasn’t AS good. Then she calls Raina, who I will admit did have a great pic – her body language was amazing – but still not as good as Tatiana’s. Thankfully, Tatiana is called third. It goes on and on until we get to the bottom two: Anslee and Simone. Great. My pick. Anslee’s photo was dead, and not in a good way. It was flat, and boring. Plus she kept giving excuses for why she was doing badly (she couldn’t hear the instructions in Times Square and the photogs in the shoot told her to do the wrong thing). Simone’s photo was just plain bad, and they didn’t feel she was putting in enough effort. Plus she’s too smart to be a model. And the name Tyra calls…is…

Anslee. She saves the baby mama and sends the smart one home.



Phew, skin of my teeth on that one. I’ve got to say that all in all, that was an awesome photoshoot, I really loved it. Thanks for reading!

Well hello there, blog world.

So my main intention of starting this blog was to recap one of the best/worst shows ever, America's Next Top Model. Now that i'm on here, i think i might actually write some stuff about my day to day life...and see what happens. Of course i'll still be recapping ANTM...read as i recap the good, the bad, and the ugly each week. There will be some swearing…there will be some model mocking…there will be some sass back…and there will definitely be a couple of jabs at our BFF Tyra.

Enjoy!

America's Next Top Model - Episode 3 - Putting the Ren in Horrendous.

Hello Top Model Peeps…here’s the recap for last night’s show.

First scene – the girls are being loaded onto a giant Fab Bus – this thing is so big that there’s room for them to stand up in it. Hell, this thing’s so big that there’s room for ANTM’s first plus sized model, Tocarra, to stand up in it! She divides the girls into two groups and gets them to play a Top Model version of Jeopardy – with questions about fashion, of course. Tocarra sounds like a heavily scripted version of Tyra – I’m pretty sure she was reading her lines off a big screen at the back of the bus. She did have a pretty cool Bob Barker microphone though…

After a few tense moments and close calls, Brenda really shits the bed on a fairly obvious question about Heidi Klum and her team loses. They’re not pumped, especially when they’re sent to do inventory in a warehouse. BEEEEEEoooooo . The winning team however – Simone, Raina, Krista, Jessica, Alexandra and Angelea – are beyond ecstatic when they find out what they’ve won: a go see with the chance of being featured in the BlueFly.com spring campaign. They all have to walk and pose for the BlueFly execs – Angelea busts out some weird ass moves and flexes for them for some reason; Simone looks very composed; and the rest just look way too damn skinny. Except for Alexandra of course. Because she’s fat. I KID! I think she looks the best out of all of them. In the end the judges pick Simone and she wins the challenge. I actually like her shaved sides (is that the technical term?) – she’s one of the only ones who could pull it off I think.

And now it’s time for bitch mode: the girls are back at the house and Angelea is telling everyone that she thinks Brenda looks like Miranda from Sex & The City. Krista (who I’m now calling Vivian Banks) pipes up and says “more like Chucky!” and they erupt into laughter. Ren gets all emo again and leaves the room to tattle on the girls. She tells Brenda who immediately confronts them (yeah, how DARE they compare her to a successful actress who has similar short red hair!??!?) and then somehow ends up getting in a fight with Anselea – battle of the teenaged mommys.

TYRA MAIL!

The girls are sent to dance school, where they are greeted by Mr. Jay (who is clearly wearing more makeup than any of the girls – god he’s pretty) and a male ballet dancer who is going to inspire the girls. Their mission? To embody the type of dance they are given and to translate it into a fierce photo. Highlights: Angelea, who gets

‘moshing’ as a dance; Ren who reinforces the statement “Disco is dead” with her god awful posing; Brenda who gets African dancing and looks like she’s got a big chest full of red hair; Alasia who does an amazing job interpreting interpretative dance even though she’s wearing a ruffled monstrosity.

Back at the house, Ren is complaining again about how tough life is at the model house. I’m sure it’s really quite awful. And it’s probably like, a whole MONTH out of her awesome life that she has to put up with this living hell. Life is rough when you’re an 18 year old model hand-picked to be in the competition by Tyra. This bitch better be going home, I’m tired of hearing her whine.

JUDGING – let me mention that Tyra appears wearing a Vulcan bodysuit. In nude. There are shoulder pads.

Jessica is up first – she had Salsa Dancing. Her dress is beautiful and red, and really pops, but her posture is really posed and phony. Meh.

Raina’s jazz photo actually frightens me – those eyebrows………

Anslee, Simone, and Tatiana’s are mediocre at best.

Brenda comes forward in an outfit described by Nigel as ‘more accountant than model’, and they tell her she is dressing waaaaaay too old. Same comment as last week actually. Oh yeah, and her photo stinks too.

Alasia’s outfit is even more ridiculous – some sort of silver string one piece bathing suit under jeans. She looks like she just stepped out of Whores R Us. The judges tell her that she’d have to explain how she got into a go see if she showed up in that little number. But…her photo is the judges favorite.

Ren’s picture is just plain terrible. She puts the Ren in horrendous.

And the first name Tyra calls…is…

Alasia. They really luffed this picture, and I agree it is quite nice.

Angelea, Jessica, Alexandra, Krista, Raina, Tatianna, Simone, Anslee, Brenda.

We’re down to the bottom two: Ren (shocking) and Brenda. Ren’s photos are terrible and the judges feel that she has no moves. Tyra asks if she wants to be in the competition, and in an after school special moment, Ren tells her that the only reason she’s even still on the show is to make her mother like her. Cuz nothing she ever does makes her mom happy, but since her mom loves ANTM, she thinks it will smooth things over. Tyra thanks her for her honesty. She then pulls a fast one and pulls Brenda’s photo out, and boots Ren outta the competition. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!



Brenda stays in the competition and Tyra tells her that she’s gonna get another makeover to hopefully improve her confidence and make her less accountanty. And there we have it – another episode down. Stay tuned for the next recap!

America's Next Top Model - Episode 2 - The Wrong One Bites the Dust.

Hello Top Model Peeps! Sorry for the delay – St. Patrick and his green beer trumped ANTM on Wednesday night, so i am a day late. Let’s get started…(i aplogize for the length, this was a 1.5 hour episode so this could be long).

We start out right where we left off last week: the girls were just about to do a photo shoot. Mr. Jay appears in a red kilt – possibly an homage to Alexander McQueen who passed away earlier this year – and actually pulls it off quite well. Me likey! He’s standing next to a mannequin dressed up in a mish-mash of an outfit, and informs the girls that they will have their choice of one item – other than that one item, they will be nude. Well…Jessica isn’t pumped because her family is very religious, and her grandmother would KILL her if she found out that she was doing it. On the count of three the girls are tearing at the mannequin, trying to pick their one item to wear.

PHOTOSHOOT #1
Photoshoot time, and some of the girls are a lot more naked than others. A couple of them have decent coverage – shorts, long scarf, vest. Others – not so much. Ren is wearing nothing but a hat; Naduah has a pair of sunglasses; Angelea has a pair of hot blue pumps. Time to head to judging.

JUDGING
A change to the Top Model judging panel this season – Ms. Jay is missing, and has been replaced by another eccentricly gay black man – Andre Leon Talley, “Editor at Large” at Vogue. Gotta say that he is pretty fabulous – always using French words and describing haggard models as “dreckitude”. Most of the photos are pretty great, especially considering this is their first photoshoot of the season. They blur out the naked parts because some of the girls are showing off all the goods for all to see, which a) probably excites Nigel and b) probably repulses Andre. My favorite pic is of Ren, in her hat and vulnerable pose. Least favorite is Alasia (ugh that naaaaame), who puts her vest on backwards and stands with her naked ass in the camera. Add that to the fact that she’s annoying as shit and it makes me really hate the pic.

The first name that Tyra calls is:

Jessica. I’m a little surprised with this because her leg looks like a toothpick and is kind of awkward looking.
Angelea. The shot of her in the bright blue pumps is very pinup, and she looks great despite what she looks like in real life.
Ren. My favorite pic!
The names are called in order until it comes down to the bottom two: Alasia and Gabrielle. Alasia’s photo is weird and annoying and makes the judges ‘uncomfortable’, but Andre says he would hang it in his salon. Gabrielle looks dead in her photo. The decision is clear….

Alasia. Damnit.

Back at the house, all kinds of hell is breaking loose. Ren is becoming more antisocial by the minute. She can’t believe she’s wasting her perfectly happy life living in a house full of insane broads. In contrast, Alasia is becoming louder and more annoying by the second. Naduah is telling Cult stories and telling the girls that she turned down Playboy, even though she was living on the streets at the time. Raina aint buyin it and thinks she’s a pathological liar. I personally can’t wait to hear more of her stories…..

CHALLENGE
Lo and behold, the next challenge is presented by none other than Ms. Jay. Guess he got shifted from judge to co-host with Mr. Jay. He teaches the girls how to walk while taking off their coats – model mulitasking to the max. To add to the insanity, he makes the girls walk across a busy Manhattan street with other people! And cars! And it’s cold out! This prepares them for the next challenge: their first runway walk in front of an audience. In order to teach them about timing, there are giant gold pendulums swinging above the runway that they have to avoid. Oh this is gonna be good.

Most of the girls pound out the runway, with only slight wavering around the pendulums. Simone actually gets hit by one, but keeps her composure and continues walking. And then there was Alexandra. Plus sized Alexandra. She starts down the stairs at the top of the runway, and bails. HARD. Bails and slides down to the bottom of the stairs. Laugh out loud. Well this embarasses her and makes her very nervous, which translates into her stomping/marching down the runway. Okay i know i’m not the only one who was praying that she’d get hit by a pendulum, because guess what? She gets hit by a pendulum. Not only does she get hit, but the sheer force of it knocks her right off the stage. hahahahahah. And she’s okay! She gets up, walks backstage and bursts into tears. After thing calm down, Mr. Jay announces the winner of the challenge – Brenda! She gets to keep the long blue dress she wore and is very happy (“i dont know where i’m going to wear it, but…”)

Back at the house, tension is building because Alasia is acting like a god damn lunatic, screaming and yelling and annoying everyone. Ren has finally had enough – she yells at her to shut the fakkkk up. Asphinctersayswhat?????? Oh hellllllll naw, no one talks to Alasia like that. She goes off the deep end, yelling and cursing and telling Ren – who’s voice never goes above level 2 – to shut up. The fact that she’s wearing an Aunt Jemimah bandana (tied up in the front, no joke) and glasses is not making her look any less crazy. She mutters ”I know where you sleep”. Ren looks terrified. End scene.

PHOTOSHOOT #2
The concept of the shoot is to stand on top of an abandoned building in Brooklyn in some tattered rags, spray on coloured perfume and try to look beautiful while being sprayed with water and a wind machine. Really???? Most of the girls end up looking awkward and cold as hell – Ren whines because she’s wearing contacts and they’re drying out. She’s always bitching about something…you know, she was one of my faves at the start but she is becoming a royal pain in the ayce.

JUDGING
Raina’s photo is amazing, and although i think she’s quite hideous in real life, she really does look stunning. Naduah looks horrible – Mr. Jay describes her as a blow up doll. Brenda looks old (like, 22!), Krista looks strong, and Anslea looks like the cover of Madonna’s True Blue cassette tape.

And the first name Tyra calls, is….

Raina. She actually howls like a wolf when she calls her name.
Krista. She reminds Andre of a model from the 60s.

The names are called one at a time until we get to the bottom two, and i’m shocked. Ren and Naduah. These were the two girls that i was going to pick!!!! Naduah is edgy but that edge isn’t translating to her photos. She continues to disappoint the panel. Ren’s photo is flat and boring. Who will stay????

Ren.

Unbelievable! I thought for sure Naduah would make it to top 3, but i’m afraid it’s simply not so. I’m sad that she’s gone, she had so much potential. Why they didn’t get rid of stinking Alasia, i’ll never know. Bye bye Naduah.



Thanks for reading – tune in next week for more America’s Next Top Model.

America's Next Top Model - Episode 1 - And Then There Was Tyra.

Thank god ANTM is back on the air – it’s always such a painfully depressing time in my life when it’s between seasons. Okay, not really, but i am pumped it’s back on.

We start out the episode the way the premiere always starts – girls, girls, girls. Luckily they’ve already been thinned down to 32 broads, so they don’t have to go through the huge elimination process which is a surprisingly great way to start out the cycle. And there’s not even all that much screaming!

And then there was Tyra. Tyra shows up (kay, now cue the screaming) and tells the girls that she only has room on her Feircebook page for 12 girls – there are just sooooo many chicks that want to be on her friends list. I must admit that I like this concept – it isn’t nearly as bad as Cycle 12 when Tyra appeared as a half British/half Spanish accented greek goddess of some sort, or last season when she morphed out of a silver transporter and pretended to be a robot. So far so good Tyra! The two Jays appear, looking as dapper as ever (will Mr. Jay’s hair EVER have pigment again, or will it be silver for all eternity?) and make Alasia take off her weave, which they spot a friggin mile away. Of course Ms Jay wears it for the remainder of the segment.

The girls get to work – they have to have their photo taken for their Feircebook. It’s then that they reveal that Angelea was actually on the show during Cycle 12 – I’m pretty sure she was the chick that slept on the bus station floor to get to the competition, and then didn’t end up making the cut to the top 12. Ouch. After the profile pics are done, the girls have to Netwalk. We meet Alexandra, the ‘plus sized’ model, who is skinnier than most people i know. We all secretly know she wont win because a plus sized model has already won once before. Tyra has moved on. Now it’s time to interview….

We rifle through the broads and it looks like this could be an interesting season – there’s the Classy Ghetto Chick, the Trust Fund Baby, the Overachieving Oreo, three girls under 19 who are married and have a baby (they’re soooo already out of the competition), the Unibrow, the Girl with the Deadbeat Felon Dad, the Weave, the Pink Penis (white guys cocks make her think of raw meat. Cough.), the Broadway Talker, the Mortician, the Drag Queen, the Glamazon from Planet Glamazonia, the Bald Cult Kid, Piercy Galore, and not one but two plus sized models.

Meanwhile, back in the holding room…

Alliances are drawn and enemies are made, as per usual. But as we all know, only 12 of them can move on. Will their friendship with Tyra be accepted or denied? Who is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model??? After one final elimination exercise, the final 12 are announced:

- Nadua

- Jessica

- Simone

- Raina

- Tatiana

- Alexandra

- Christa

- Brenda

- Alasia

- Angalea

- Gabreille

- Anslee

AND ITS NOT EVEN OVER YET! Still half an hour to go peeps.

Tyra makes a dramatic entrance from the top of a flight of stairs at Madame Toussad’s wax museum. No she does not fall and break her neck. ..even worse – Perez Hilton is there, and is talkin shit about her. Well she just aint havin it. This odd appearance is somehow a segway to Tyra bringing out “Ren”, the ringer model who was apparently handpicked by Tyra herself while the other chicks were auditioning. They’re throwing her into the competition because they couldn’t find any other chicks in the original bunch that were ANTM-worthy.

Tyra is cutting right to the chase this time around and gets the girls into the makeover chairs asap. No use looking at them for 3 episodes in their ragged weaves and growing out roots – make em perrrrtty. We get to see Ren’s armpits which she hasn’t shaved in years, there are a few tears, and not really any surprises. Not sure why they felt the need to bleach Naduah’s eyebrows, because now she looks like an alien. Guess there’s not much else you can do to make a bald chick look different.

We get all geared up for a photo shoot, when…the episode ends. Talk about anti climactic! Guess we have to wait until next week – six whole sleeps until we see who gets booted off next.

Until then…stay fierce. Hm, don’t know if i like that. Going to have to rethink that one for next time.