America's Next Top Model - Episode 10 Part 1 - Two Broads Have Gotta Go.

Well well well. Where do I even begin. I’m going to split this two hour season finale into two separate blogs, otherwise it will be much too long and no one will bother reading it. So…the first hour. Let’s begin.

FINAL FOUR, BITCHES! It’s down to Raina, Angelea, Krista and Alexandra. The girls are told to pack an overnight bag, and they’re whisked into the air by Mr & Ms Jay. Their challenge is to walk down the aisle (mid-flight…can you imagine?) and show some personality. Krista is fun and bubbly, Alexandra mimics a flight attendant, Raina looks like a linebacker and Angelea bobble heads/giggles all over the place and only has one heel on - she apparently travels very lightly. Teacher’s pet Krista wins the challenge, and gets $2000 worth of sparkly jewels. Since she was the first photo called last week, she gets an extra $1000 worth, and has about 25 little blue boxes piled high with trinkets. Bitch opens every single box in front of the other girls and doesn't offer to give them anything. Someone doesn’t have any manners!

PHOTOSHOOT
The theme of the photo shoot is “ugly pretty”, not to be confused with “pretty ugly”. The girls get Sweeny Todd-ified with renaissance outfits, crazy hair and black lips and get to work. They find out that not one, but TWO of them will be going home. The pressure is on.

Krista’s natural eyebrows have been replaced with giant, circular clown ones which are drawn on her forehead. Her outfit is all kinds of ugly, but she of course rocks the shoot. The end result is so perfect that Andre almost starts crying. There is no doubt in my mind that Krista is winning this competition.

Raina looks like Mozart. Her photo ends up being quite strong, but is it strong enough? She’s all squinty.

Angelea looks like she has no eyelashes, and she doesn’t have any oomph. Also, wtf is with the photo being all blurry? You mean to tell me that out of that entire shoot, the absolute best picture looks like it was taken by Mohammed Ali? Totally calling BS on that.

Alexandra looks half decent – for a fatty. Her face is gripping, she’s staring intently, and playing with her ring, which for some reason Tyra quite likes.

JUDGING
The first name that Tyra calls……………..is……….
Krista. As expected, Krista is moving on to the final.

And now we have the bottom three. The next name Tyra calls will be in the final two, and the other girls will be sent home. Raina has a beautiful, romantic face but still isn’t coming out of her comfort zone. Angelea has the worlds biggest zit on her chin and didn’t cover it up, which is clearly grounds for dismissal. Alexandra has a beautiful plus sized body, but, its still plus sized.

The name Tyra calls is…

Raina.

Wow – that actually really surprised me. I would have guessed Angelea in the top 2, but it was not to be. Tyra keeps The Brows in the game and sends the other two packing. Bye bye ladies!




That concludes Part 1 – Part 2 coming up!

ANTM - Episode 10 Part 2 - The Very End.

So it’s down to Krista and Raina. Not surprised at all by Krista, but Raina? Wow, have to say I’m shocked. She seems much too sporty and handsome to be in the final two. I guess the mixture of Denise Richards/Rebecca Romjin/Brooke Shields really paid off for her!

So what do the girls do now that they’re alone? Head to a huge pimp shack and sip champagne, of course! But, alas, as soon as they start to enjoy themselves, Ms. Jay appears and gives them their assignment: learn the lines to the upcoming Cover Girl commercial shoot. The girls put down their drinks and immediately start rehearsing. Ladies, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, its that you can always drink champagne, even while memorizing important lines. It’s called multitasking.

COVER GIRL/SEVENTEEN SHOOT
The girls get all primped up for the commercial – Raina thinks that her bubbly personality will outdo Krista’s more serious approach, and Krista thinks Raina is annoying as shit. We get a blast from the past when Nicole (aka Bloody Eyeball) makes an appearance and tries to give the girls a pep talk. Problem is, Nicole hasn’t gotten any better at talking since last Cycle. She sounds super rehearsed and phony, and I’m pretty sure Mr. Jay almost slaps her. At the shoot, Krista keeps messing up her lines. Finally Jay brings out cue cards, and she delivers. Raina sounds good but she cant blend the modeling and acting thing together – she ends up squinting in concentration and losing her best feature, those wolf eyes. On to the Cover Girl photo shoot, and everybody’s favorite hot, straight, male judge – Nigel – is running the show. The girls get dressed in typical gaudy Seventeen Magazine apparel, and take cheesy, smiley pics.




Back at the house, Tyra meets them and tells them she’s going to take family portraits. Bring out the families! As a serious time filler (they’ve really gotta make this 2 hour episode count), we see photos of each girl growing up, and hear their families talk about how wonderful they are. Tyra takes some photos and ****insert shameless www.tyrabanks.com plug here because you have to check out her site to see them***

FINAL CHALLENGE
This is it! The girls now have to “stomp to the death” in an Anna Sui runway show, although this time they are supposed to be happy and having fun instead of wanting the other person to die. Oooo – and Nicole, Alasia, Alexandra, Angelea and Jessica will be happily walking with them. The stylists give Krista a weird John Lennon mini bob hairdo and send her on her way. Krista’s walk is awesome, and she acts fun and flirty. Raina looks pretty but walks like a Clydesdale. The whole walk off is kind of weak – it doesn’t seem like a final challenge to me.

JUDGING – Tyra appears in my favorite one piece of the season:



The girls appear in their final outfits, and good lord Raina, wtf is that? It’s like “Dynasty” meets “Dead Animal”. It even has a tail.



The judges like Krista’s walk and say she looks like she’s walking on air. Tyra tells her that the cheese factor was a little high and that if she pulled that back, it would have been perfect. Raina was cute but clomped down the runway. Tyra liked the clomp and the wind in her hair. Both girls had stunning Cover Girl shots – Raina’s massive eyebrows seem to shrink in photos. The commercial turned out okay, but…I was definitely not running out to buy any Lash Blast mascara. It was too stiff and phony. Over all, Krista is a better model and looks very high fashion. She’s composed and has natural talent. Raina has an exotic look and has the perfect face for photos. Body…not so much. So…it’s time to decide.

America’s Next Top Model is……

Krista. It was nice that they gave Raina a shot at being on top, but this was clearly planned out from about half way through the show.






There you have it folks – another season comes to an end. Thanks for reading – see you in the fall!

America's Next Top Model - Episode 9 - Lord of the Rangs.

Peeps, after a week long hiatus, I am back and blog-ready. Let’s get down to business.

As we all know, the girls are now in lovely New Zealand. Their house is massive and overlooks what seems to be the entire country. Jessica continues to prove that her IQ is way below the national average (last week she stated that she thought New Zealand was right above Canada) when she decides to warm some taco shells by placing them on the toaster. Now, I’m no chef, but I’m fairly certain that there is a better way to do this – microwave or oven comes to mind. But no, she places them on top of the toaster, and plunges down the handle. A few seconds later, the taco shells burst into flame, and Jessica frantically tries to put it out by screaming. When the screaming doesn’t work, she throws a towel on the fire, which of course lights up as well. Eventually the fire goes out, and the girls tell Jessica that they feel bad for her kid because she totally can’t put out a fire. Or warm taco shells.

CHALLENGE
The girls are sent to Hobbittown, where Lord of the Rings was filmed. Angelea has never heard of LOTR so she is completely unimpressed. The rest of the girls act like they’re excited, but I’m guessing Sci-Fi flicks aren’t exactly their forte either. Their challenge is to pose in a Hobbit doorway, which as you can imagine, is quite small. It’s obvious that Krista is going to win the challenge, and when she does (point!), she over-acts being surprised – probably just to rub it in. Angelea seethes. Back at the ginormous house, Krista and Alexandra make fun of Raina for being fake (read: not a raging bitch) because she commented on how beautiful New Zealand was. In the other girls defense, Raina did utter the words “oh my lanta!” which is absolutely not okay in any situation.

PHOTOSHOOT
Guess who’s taking pictures this week? Tyra! They’re in a vineyard, and the premise of the shoot is that they need to fight for light, just like the grapes fight for the sun. Sounds logical. But wait…there’s more! Tyra’s minions will be holding up patterns so the sun/shadows falls onto the models faces, making them look like kaleidoscopes. Oh, and they’ll have mud in their hair. I’m sorry, but LOL. Leave it to Tyra to just add random aspects to everything she does.

Alexandra looks pretty good, but not sure why they just put her hair in a messy muddy bun. Also, she always make the same face - head tilted up, mouth slightly open. NEXT.

Jessica is up, and she knows she needs to nail it or she’s gonna be gone. Did I mention she’s been talking about her damn kid again? UGH. She struggles at first, but eventually finds her “ugly pretty face”.

Raina is next, wearing nothing but panties and a smile. She looks awkward and can’t really get into the poses.

Angelea is mega boring and posey, and finally Tyra tells her to just pretend like she’s dead. This seems to work and Tyra says she got a good shot.

Krista comes out and, as we all expected, nails it.

JUDGING
Alexandra actually comes out with a great shot, and the vineyard in the background looks beautiful. Andre says she looks like shes from a foreign place like Uzbekistan. This pleases him for some reason.

Raina’s photo actually frightens me – she looks dark and disturbed, and it looks like it was taken in a basement instead of a bright and sunny vineyard.

Angelea’s pic bores me to death, but Tyra and Nigel both love the soft simplicity of it. And by soft simplicity, they must mean “playing dead because Tyra couldn’t get you to do anything she wanted”.

Jessica’s pic is big time ‘meh’. Andre says the shadows are wearing her instead of the other way around. I agree.

Krista is last, and of course the judges are in luff with her pic. Andre says she could be in Zu magazine, which is obviously French and fabulous. My beef with these photos is that none of them look like they’re outside in a vineyard, except for Alexandras. They’re all dark or black and white, which to me defeats having the shoot in a beautiful lush green location.

The first name that Tyra calls…is…

Krista. Duh.

Alexandra. Angelea.

In the bottom two, we’ve got Jessica and Raina. Raina is strong from week to week, but she only seems to be good at romantic, not edgy. Jessica is too sweet, pretty, and commercial, which they’ve been saying for the last 3 weeks. The name Tyra calls…is…

Raina.

She keeps the brows and sends the not-so-smart baby mama home. Goodbye Jessica, you will no longer be getting me points in the Top Model pool.



Peeps – next week is the finale! Make sure to tune in to the two hour special of America’s Next Top Model. Thanks for reading!

America's Next Top Model - Episode 8 - The One I Didn't Watch.

Alright, i admit it - i missed this episode because i went to a party instead of sitting at home heckling models. And yes, i was too busy all week to youtube it. So here's what I heard, in a nutshell:

CHALLENGE
Angelea won the go-see challenge because practically everyone else got disqualified for being late. Out of the three that that qualified, she booked the most.

PHOTOSHOOT
The girls posed with farm animals, with Nigel as their photog. Damnit! I heart Nigel! Krista pulled out the best photo yet again. Bottom two were Jessica and Alasia, and thank god for small wonders, Alasia got booted. Pretty happy im not going to have to see/hear THAT anymore.

So there you go. Forgive me. Bye bye Alasia! ps the background of her pic is so stunning. It's a shame she's even in it.