America's Next Top Model - Episode 10 Part 1 - Two Broads Have Gotta Go.

Well well well. Where do I even begin. I’m going to split this two hour season finale into two separate blogs, otherwise it will be much too long and no one will bother reading it. So…the first hour. Let’s begin.

FINAL FOUR, BITCHES! It’s down to Raina, Angelea, Krista and Alexandra. The girls are told to pack an overnight bag, and they’re whisked into the air by Mr & Ms Jay. Their challenge is to walk down the aisle (mid-flight…can you imagine?) and show some personality. Krista is fun and bubbly, Alexandra mimics a flight attendant, Raina looks like a linebacker and Angelea bobble heads/giggles all over the place and only has one heel on - she apparently travels very lightly. Teacher’s pet Krista wins the challenge, and gets $2000 worth of sparkly jewels. Since she was the first photo called last week, she gets an extra $1000 worth, and has about 25 little blue boxes piled high with trinkets. Bitch opens every single box in front of the other girls and doesn't offer to give them anything. Someone doesn’t have any manners!

PHOTOSHOOT
The theme of the photo shoot is “ugly pretty”, not to be confused with “pretty ugly”. The girls get Sweeny Todd-ified with renaissance outfits, crazy hair and black lips and get to work. They find out that not one, but TWO of them will be going home. The pressure is on.

Krista’s natural eyebrows have been replaced with giant, circular clown ones which are drawn on her forehead. Her outfit is all kinds of ugly, but she of course rocks the shoot. The end result is so perfect that Andre almost starts crying. There is no doubt in my mind that Krista is winning this competition.

Raina looks like Mozart. Her photo ends up being quite strong, but is it strong enough? She’s all squinty.

Angelea looks like she has no eyelashes, and she doesn’t have any oomph. Also, wtf is with the photo being all blurry? You mean to tell me that out of that entire shoot, the absolute best picture looks like it was taken by Mohammed Ali? Totally calling BS on that.

Alexandra looks half decent – for a fatty. Her face is gripping, she’s staring intently, and playing with her ring, which for some reason Tyra quite likes.

JUDGING
The first name that Tyra calls……………..is……….
Krista. As expected, Krista is moving on to the final.

And now we have the bottom three. The next name Tyra calls will be in the final two, and the other girls will be sent home. Raina has a beautiful, romantic face but still isn’t coming out of her comfort zone. Angelea has the worlds biggest zit on her chin and didn’t cover it up, which is clearly grounds for dismissal. Alexandra has a beautiful plus sized body, but, its still plus sized.

The name Tyra calls is…

Raina.

Wow – that actually really surprised me. I would have guessed Angelea in the top 2, but it was not to be. Tyra keeps The Brows in the game and sends the other two packing. Bye bye ladies!




That concludes Part 1 – Part 2 coming up!

ANTM - Episode 10 Part 2 - The Very End.

So it’s down to Krista and Raina. Not surprised at all by Krista, but Raina? Wow, have to say I’m shocked. She seems much too sporty and handsome to be in the final two. I guess the mixture of Denise Richards/Rebecca Romjin/Brooke Shields really paid off for her!

So what do the girls do now that they’re alone? Head to a huge pimp shack and sip champagne, of course! But, alas, as soon as they start to enjoy themselves, Ms. Jay appears and gives them their assignment: learn the lines to the upcoming Cover Girl commercial shoot. The girls put down their drinks and immediately start rehearsing. Ladies, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, its that you can always drink champagne, even while memorizing important lines. It’s called multitasking.

COVER GIRL/SEVENTEEN SHOOT
The girls get all primped up for the commercial – Raina thinks that her bubbly personality will outdo Krista’s more serious approach, and Krista thinks Raina is annoying as shit. We get a blast from the past when Nicole (aka Bloody Eyeball) makes an appearance and tries to give the girls a pep talk. Problem is, Nicole hasn’t gotten any better at talking since last Cycle. She sounds super rehearsed and phony, and I’m pretty sure Mr. Jay almost slaps her. At the shoot, Krista keeps messing up her lines. Finally Jay brings out cue cards, and she delivers. Raina sounds good but she cant blend the modeling and acting thing together – she ends up squinting in concentration and losing her best feature, those wolf eyes. On to the Cover Girl photo shoot, and everybody’s favorite hot, straight, male judge – Nigel – is running the show. The girls get dressed in typical gaudy Seventeen Magazine apparel, and take cheesy, smiley pics.




Back at the house, Tyra meets them and tells them she’s going to take family portraits. Bring out the families! As a serious time filler (they’ve really gotta make this 2 hour episode count), we see photos of each girl growing up, and hear their families talk about how wonderful they are. Tyra takes some photos and ****insert shameless www.tyrabanks.com plug here because you have to check out her site to see them***

FINAL CHALLENGE
This is it! The girls now have to “stomp to the death” in an Anna Sui runway show, although this time they are supposed to be happy and having fun instead of wanting the other person to die. Oooo – and Nicole, Alasia, Alexandra, Angelea and Jessica will be happily walking with them. The stylists give Krista a weird John Lennon mini bob hairdo and send her on her way. Krista’s walk is awesome, and she acts fun and flirty. Raina looks pretty but walks like a Clydesdale. The whole walk off is kind of weak – it doesn’t seem like a final challenge to me.

JUDGING – Tyra appears in my favorite one piece of the season:



The girls appear in their final outfits, and good lord Raina, wtf is that? It’s like “Dynasty” meets “Dead Animal”. It even has a tail.



The judges like Krista’s walk and say she looks like she’s walking on air. Tyra tells her that the cheese factor was a little high and that if she pulled that back, it would have been perfect. Raina was cute but clomped down the runway. Tyra liked the clomp and the wind in her hair. Both girls had stunning Cover Girl shots – Raina’s massive eyebrows seem to shrink in photos. The commercial turned out okay, but…I was definitely not running out to buy any Lash Blast mascara. It was too stiff and phony. Over all, Krista is a better model and looks very high fashion. She’s composed and has natural talent. Raina has an exotic look and has the perfect face for photos. Body…not so much. So…it’s time to decide.

America’s Next Top Model is……

Krista. It was nice that they gave Raina a shot at being on top, but this was clearly planned out from about half way through the show.






There you have it folks – another season comes to an end. Thanks for reading – see you in the fall!

America's Next Top Model - Episode 9 - Lord of the Rangs.

Peeps, after a week long hiatus, I am back and blog-ready. Let’s get down to business.

As we all know, the girls are now in lovely New Zealand. Their house is massive and overlooks what seems to be the entire country. Jessica continues to prove that her IQ is way below the national average (last week she stated that she thought New Zealand was right above Canada) when she decides to warm some taco shells by placing them on the toaster. Now, I’m no chef, but I’m fairly certain that there is a better way to do this – microwave or oven comes to mind. But no, she places them on top of the toaster, and plunges down the handle. A few seconds later, the taco shells burst into flame, and Jessica frantically tries to put it out by screaming. When the screaming doesn’t work, she throws a towel on the fire, which of course lights up as well. Eventually the fire goes out, and the girls tell Jessica that they feel bad for her kid because she totally can’t put out a fire. Or warm taco shells.

CHALLENGE
The girls are sent to Hobbittown, where Lord of the Rings was filmed. Angelea has never heard of LOTR so she is completely unimpressed. The rest of the girls act like they’re excited, but I’m guessing Sci-Fi flicks aren’t exactly their forte either. Their challenge is to pose in a Hobbit doorway, which as you can imagine, is quite small. It’s obvious that Krista is going to win the challenge, and when she does (point!), she over-acts being surprised – probably just to rub it in. Angelea seethes. Back at the ginormous house, Krista and Alexandra make fun of Raina for being fake (read: not a raging bitch) because she commented on how beautiful New Zealand was. In the other girls defense, Raina did utter the words “oh my lanta!” which is absolutely not okay in any situation.

PHOTOSHOOT
Guess who’s taking pictures this week? Tyra! They’re in a vineyard, and the premise of the shoot is that they need to fight for light, just like the grapes fight for the sun. Sounds logical. But wait…there’s more! Tyra’s minions will be holding up patterns so the sun/shadows falls onto the models faces, making them look like kaleidoscopes. Oh, and they’ll have mud in their hair. I’m sorry, but LOL. Leave it to Tyra to just add random aspects to everything she does.

Alexandra looks pretty good, but not sure why they just put her hair in a messy muddy bun. Also, she always make the same face - head tilted up, mouth slightly open. NEXT.

Jessica is up, and she knows she needs to nail it or she’s gonna be gone. Did I mention she’s been talking about her damn kid again? UGH. She struggles at first, but eventually finds her “ugly pretty face”.

Raina is next, wearing nothing but panties and a smile. She looks awkward and can’t really get into the poses.

Angelea is mega boring and posey, and finally Tyra tells her to just pretend like she’s dead. This seems to work and Tyra says she got a good shot.

Krista comes out and, as we all expected, nails it.

JUDGING
Alexandra actually comes out with a great shot, and the vineyard in the background looks beautiful. Andre says she looks like shes from a foreign place like Uzbekistan. This pleases him for some reason.

Raina’s photo actually frightens me – she looks dark and disturbed, and it looks like it was taken in a basement instead of a bright and sunny vineyard.

Angelea’s pic bores me to death, but Tyra and Nigel both love the soft simplicity of it. And by soft simplicity, they must mean “playing dead because Tyra couldn’t get you to do anything she wanted”.

Jessica’s pic is big time ‘meh’. Andre says the shadows are wearing her instead of the other way around. I agree.

Krista is last, and of course the judges are in luff with her pic. Andre says she could be in Zu magazine, which is obviously French and fabulous. My beef with these photos is that none of them look like they’re outside in a vineyard, except for Alexandras. They’re all dark or black and white, which to me defeats having the shoot in a beautiful lush green location.

The first name that Tyra calls…is…

Krista. Duh.

Alexandra. Angelea.

In the bottom two, we’ve got Jessica and Raina. Raina is strong from week to week, but she only seems to be good at romantic, not edgy. Jessica is too sweet, pretty, and commercial, which they’ve been saying for the last 3 weeks. The name Tyra calls…is…

Raina.

She keeps the brows and sends the not-so-smart baby mama home. Goodbye Jessica, you will no longer be getting me points in the Top Model pool.



Peeps – next week is the finale! Make sure to tune in to the two hour special of America’s Next Top Model. Thanks for reading!

America's Next Top Model - Episode 8 - The One I Didn't Watch.

Alright, i admit it - i missed this episode because i went to a party instead of sitting at home heckling models. And yes, i was too busy all week to youtube it. So here's what I heard, in a nutshell:

CHALLENGE
Angelea won the go-see challenge because practically everyone else got disqualified for being late. Out of the three that that qualified, she booked the most.

PHOTOSHOOT
The girls posed with farm animals, with Nigel as their photog. Damnit! I heart Nigel! Krista pulled out the best photo yet again. Bottom two were Jessica and Alasia, and thank god for small wonders, Alasia got booted. Pretty happy im not going to have to see/hear THAT anymore.

So there you go. Forgive me. Bye bye Alasia! ps the background of her pic is so stunning. It's a shame she's even in it.

America's Next Top Model - Episode 7 - Bring On the Hair.

First of all, my apologies for missing last week’s episode in the blog. I was on vacation without access to a computer (gasp!), and by the time I got home, I thought ‘meh, what’s the point’.

Another Wednesday, another model gone.

We start the episode out with the girls meeting Whitney Port from The City (because she had outgrown The Hills) and an ex model/designer who’s wearing gigantic fake eyelashes. My bf actually let out a small screech and recoiled when he saw her. The girls get into some of Whitney’s designs and are told to let the personality of the outfit shine through them. What does that mean exactly? Not too sure, and apparently neither are the girls. Jessica says her outfit makes her feel classy so she puts her nose a little further into the air when she walks.

CHALLENGE
Now that the girls are channeling the energy of their dresses, they get sent to a club where they will be “performing” for a group of drag queens. Of course, they’re nervous as hell because who can outperform a man dressed as a woman in a feather boa singing a mean rendition of “I Will Survive”? Their challenge is to walk the runway and let their personalities show through their walk. Gotta say, pretty weak. The ANTM producers must have been hungover or something – not a lot of effort went into this one. The girls stomp it out – worst stomp definitely goes to Anslee who didn’t even crack a smile. Her personality is apparently BEEEEEOOOoooooo. Best stomp went to Krista, who pounded it out and got a huge round of cheers from the Queens. She ends up winning the challenge (point!), but for the life of me I can’t remember what she won.

Back at the house, the girls are getting ready to leave for their photoshoot. Alasia, as usual, is acting like a 5 year old and refuses to get ready in a timely fashion. The girls all yell at her to hurry up, but she takes her time fluffing up her MASSIVE afro – seriously, she unnecessarily worked that thing for like 45 minutes. Eventually the rest of the girls jump in the elevator and leave her behind. This does not please Alasia. She pushes the elevator button literally 100 times before realizing that taking the stairs would probably be a good idea at this point. She runs down the stairs, complaining the whole way about the girls not telling her they were leaving, and jumps into the waiting limo. Not sure why the girls waited for her, I would have ditched her ass for sure. Best comment of the night: “You’re an idiot”. They didn’t show who said it, but someone did and it was perfect – short, sweet, and completely accurate.

PHOTOSHOOT
In what would have to be top 3 grosses ideas for a photoshoot ever, the girls are put into dresses made entirely out of human hair. Human. Hair. Angelea tells the camera that “it stink. IT STINK”. I think I actually felt my skin crawl at that point. Anyhoo, the girls get put into to teams: Team Weavin’ Steven and Team Something I forget cuz it didn’t rhyme with weavin’. The two hair masters help the girls into their hair apparel and the photos start flying. Anslee and Alexandra both look extremely awkward when they pose, and its clear that they will likely be in the bottom two.

JUDGING
Now that we’re down to only 7 girls, its getting very easy to predict the order the names are called in. But before we get to judging, the ANTM producers once again have a doozy of an idea, and the judges pretend to fall asleep. Then these giant Zs come down from the sky, then some sheep appear…it gets weird. All of this is a segway to announcing where the girls will go for the international portion of the season – they’re going to New Zealand. I guess the Z in New Zealand is what brought on this weird sleep segment – really made no sense and was on weirdness par with the Tyra-bot from a few seasons ago.

The first name Tyra calls is….
Krista (point!) - Krista looks like Grace Jones in her photo, her cheekbones look amazing, and she shows off the hair dress like no other.
Angelea – now, I don't agree with this one, I think she looks like she’s spasming, but the judges love it.
Raina – truly looks stunning in the photo, her white skin is offset by her super dark hair (on her head and on her body)
Jessica – her little jump shot was cute, although her toe point seemed cliché to Andre. Although we all know that if she hadn’t pointed her toe, they would have hated it.
Alasia – her face looks super boring in the pic, but Andre likes the way she’s flipping the dress hair. It does look pretty sweet.

And now it’s down to the bottom two – Alexandra and Anslee. Anslee has a stunning face, but can’t quite get the body right. Tyra thinks she would make a great beauty model. Alexandra takes ‘okay’ pictures, and lucks out sometimes with a good one. Is it enough????? Apparently it is, because Tyra keeps Tubbs in and boots the baby mama. Had to know she wouldn't stay much longer because she kept talking about her damn kid.



That’s it folks! Until next time…………….stay fierce.

America's Next Top Model - Episode 5 - Fake This.

Like clockwork, we start out the episode with Anslee crying about the baby she left back home. When are these girls going to realize that if you have a kid, DON’T TALK ABOUT THEM on camera! Tyra simply will not stand for it! You have to make us forget that you even have a baby, like Jessica is doing. She hasn’t mentioned her kid once, and she’s doing quite well for herself. She does however let us in on the fact that she loves drinking pickle juice, while Tatiana expresses her undying love for bodily fluids. Pardon?

CHALLENGE
Cue Ms Jay looking snazzy in a black button up trench coat. He tells the girls that they need to learn how to break the ice with the opposite sex because – besides the obvious advantages to being able to talk to boys – they are eventually going to need to pose with male models and they should be comfortable with them. How will he help them do this? By throwing them onto a tram with a very handsome, but shy, surprise male model. Turns out the surprise model is Nigel (insert cougar sound here), and the girls are all ecstatic. Angelea goes first, and breaks the ice by showing Nigel her version of the Hammer dance. He is less than impressed. Anslee goes next and is pretty chill until she mentions her damn kid again and Nigel loses interest (frankly, so do i). Jessica gets on the tram and turns into some sort of sex crazed maniac, winking and caressing Nigel’s head before taking a bunch of her (and his) clothes off. Nigel says he’s never seen anything like it, but I seriously doubt that. He takes photos of models for a living, you’re telling me they don’t throw themselves at him? Please. This whole ice breaking fiasco is a segway to the girls’ challenge: posing with a gayer-than-a-three-dollar-bill comedian in a third story window while Nigel pervs from below, taking pics. The only really memorable shot is of Angelea, who flashes her entire crotch at the camera below. The best pic goes to Jessica (point!) and she wins a 6 thousand dollar pair of diamond earrings. Alasia wins a 5 thousand dollar diamond ring for winning last week’s photo of the week – guess this is a new thing they’re doing. Lucky!

PHOTOSHOOT
The girls end up on Canal Street with Mr and Ms Jay who are attempting to buy some fake purses. Mr Jay isn’t impressed with the fakes, but Ms Jay is all about it, saying Tyra’s bday is coming up. The purse dealer turns out to be an undercover cop who busts the boys, and Mr Jay gives a mini lecture about how buying fake purses is reaaaaaaaaaaaally bad because it takes money away from the designers. He’s right you know - better that the $800 comes out of my pocket than Ms Coco Chanel’s, who is probably really struggling to make ends meet these days. Let’s get to the shoot. The theme of the shoot this week is “being fake”. Fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake fur. Basically the girls get Lady Gagafied for the shoot, and it’s pretty awesome. Quote of the show is when Mr Jay tells Anslee she’s “constipated with the fashion.” Not even going to attempt to understand what the hell that means, but it made my night.

JUDGING (Tyra appears in one-piece pantsuit #3 – this time in a lovely coral silk)

The first name that Tyra calls...is........Jessica (another point!). Her mid-air pose and magnetic stare makes this photo the judges favourite. Next up...Angelea. Andre says if he saw her at a party, he’d want to meet her. Nuff said. Krista...Alasia...Anslee...Brenda...Raina. That brings us to the bottom two: Alexandra and Tatiana. Alexandra has beautiful curves (read: fat) but doesn’t know how to use them. Tatiana has weak photos every week, and they think her good shot from last week was pure luck. Both of their pictures were awful this week, especially Tatiana who looked like one of those terrifying clowns you see in your worst nightmares. So who stays?

Alexandra.
Tyra decides to give Tubbs another chance and sends Fangs home. Bye bye Tatiana!



That’s it! Stay tuned next week for another installment of Stizzef’s Next Top Model.

America's Next Top Model - Episode 4 - Vampires Are So Hot Right Now

I gotta say I was quite excited going into this episode – for one thing, it was the deadline for getting our Top Model pool picks in, and I was feeling pretty confident with the chicks I chose: Jessica and Anslee. Second, I knew that it was going to be the Twilight vampire shoot and I was praying that Edward would make an appearance. As the show went on, the excitement faded as my hopes and dreams were smashed into tiny, tiny pieces.

Remember how we left Brenda last week, in the bottom two and looking like a bored accountant? Tyra decided that her look wasn't edgy enough, so she brought in the hairdresser to take another crack at it. The hairdresser busted out the #2 clippers and shaved down the sides of her head. Pretty much thought that Brenda’s eyes were going to pop right out of her head…and in the end, she still looked like Molly Ringwald but with short, spikey hair. So much for the big makeover…

Time for the first challenge: the girls have to shoot a Cover Girl commercial in Times Square without speaking. Body language ladies! They’re all pretty bad, but Tatianna uses some head flips and dances around a bit and wins the challenge (for those that picked her in the pool, point!)

Back at the house, it’s about time for a cat fight. Anslee and Alasia get into it over a frozen peas & corn mix (perfectly logical) and Alasia tells Anslee that she’s a bad mom (even more logical). Anslee loses it, and before you can say “Jerry Springer” they’re both yelling and head bobbing and finger wagging. Gotta say, these lame fights seem contrived and are getting really old. Plus my dream of my chicks doing well is losing momentum as I remember that Anslee has a kid. So does Jessica, the child bride. Tyra doesn’t let moms be models, we all know this from ANTM’s past. What was I thinking?

PHOTOSHOOT
The highlight of the episode has got to be Mr. Jay appearing as a vampire and morphing into a dingy looking warehouse, scaring the girls “half to death”. It was THAT real. He actually looked pretty awesome with his white/blue eyes and fangs – and he even shot a red lazer beam out of his eyes. OMG. The premise of the photoshoot, of course, was that the girls were victims of a hot boy vampire (second dream crushed when I realize its not Edward, just some random male model with fangs) and they had to be immersed in a bathtub full of blood. And they will be blinded by white contacts. They get all done up like hot temptress vamps, and they all look amazing. Most of them really pull through in the shoot, with the exception of Brenda who cries about having to wear the contacts and Simone who looks like she couldn't model her way out of a paper bag. Can you model your way out of a paper bag? I don't know if its even possible. But I’m telling you, if it is, Simone couldn't do it.

JUDGING (Yes Tyra is wearing a one piece spandex pantsuit again. This time in lavender.)

The first name that Tyra calls…is…

Alasia. This surprises me because Tatiana’s picture was by far the best, and though Alasia’s was good, it wasn’t AS good. Then she calls Raina, who I will admit did have a great pic – her body language was amazing – but still not as good as Tatiana’s. Thankfully, Tatiana is called third. It goes on and on until we get to the bottom two: Anslee and Simone. Great. My pick. Anslee’s photo was dead, and not in a good way. It was flat, and boring. Plus she kept giving excuses for why she was doing badly (she couldn’t hear the instructions in Times Square and the photogs in the shoot told her to do the wrong thing). Simone’s photo was just plain bad, and they didn’t feel she was putting in enough effort. Plus she’s too smart to be a model. And the name Tyra calls…is…

Anslee. She saves the baby mama and sends the smart one home.



Phew, skin of my teeth on that one. I’ve got to say that all in all, that was an awesome photoshoot, I really loved it. Thanks for reading!